Asian Americans Breaking Free From Perfectionism This Holiday Season
The holidays are supposed to feel joyful, warm, and grounding—but for many Asian American young adults, they can also bring holiday perfectionism, stress during the holidays, and overwhelming pressure to “do everything right.” Maybe you’re trying to be the perfect host, the perfect child, or the perfect version of yourself who never disappoints anyone. But behind the smiles often sit guilt, burnout, and the quiet fear of not being “good enough.”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And you deserve a holiday season that feels lighter, calmer, and more meaningful.
Where Holiday Perfectionism Comes From
For many children of immigrants, the holidays carry layers of emotional complexity. We’re often raised with expectations to be perfect in how we look, behave, achieve, and relate to family. These expectations only intensify when the holiday season arrives.
Immigrant family expectations. Many Asian American families hold high standards for their children: be respectful, be successful, be grateful, make the family look good. During the holidays, this can translate into pressure to host flawlessly, present yourself impeccably, and avoid creating conflict at all costs.
Acculturation stress. There’s also the juggling act between honoring traditions from your family’s home country and participating in American holiday norms. It can feel like living in two worlds at once.
Childhood messaging around achievement. If you grew up hearing “try harder,” “don’t bring shame to the family,” or “what will people think?”, perfectionism may have become your default coping strategy.
Social media comparison. Endless reels of beautifully decorated homes, curated family photos, and extravagant celebrations create unrealistic standards. It’s easy to feel like you’re falling behind or not doing enough.
Put together, these experiences shape a mindset that says: If everything is perfect, then I’m doing okay. But at what cost?
How Perfectionism Impacts Mental Health During the Holidays
Perfectionism impacts emotional wellness in real and painful ways. You might notice:
Anxiety about planning, preparing, and keeping everyone happy
Irritability when things don’t go as planned (because perfectionism leaves little room for flexibility)
Disconnection from yourself as you focus on performing rather than enjoying
Resentment toward family or friends because you’re over-functioning while others relax
Emotional exhaustion from constantly monitoring yourself and your surroundings
The holiday season becomes something you survive instead of something you experience.
How Therapy Helps You Unlearn Perfectionism
The good news: perfectionism is learned so it can also be unlearned.
Therapy, including emdr therapy and brainspotting therapy, can help you:
Challenge cognitive distortions
Perfectionism often comes with thoughts like “If I don’t do it perfectly, I failed” or “Everyone expects me to hold everything together.” Therapy helps reframe these beliefs into more compassionate and realistic ones.
Heal shame and internalized pressure
Many Asian American young adults carry shame rooted in cultural expectations, criticism, or the pressure to represent their family well. Therapy helps you understand where these patterns come from and start forming new, healthier patterns.
Build realistic expectations and emotional boundaries
Therapists can help you practice saying no without guilt, protect your energy, and define what you want from the holiday season. When you build emotional boundaries for the holiday season, you create space for rest, connection, authenticity, and joy.
Access therapy using your insurance
If cost has been a barrier, many clients are able to begin therapy using Cigna, Aetna, or Optum insurance. Getting support doesn’t have to add financial stress.
Therapy isn’t about fixing you; it’s about freeing you from unrealistic pressures you were never meant to carry alone.
Schedule a Consultation Before the Holidays
If you’re ready to break free from holiday perfectionism and create a season that feels calmer, more grounded, and aligned with who you truly are, our team of Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) therapists are here to support you.
Schedule a consultation before the holidays to begin building emotional boundaries, reducing anxiety, and reclaiming joy this season. You deserve a holiday experience that honors both your cultural roots and your mental well-being.
By Yuki Shida, LMFT & CEO of Soul Song Therapy Group